NUTTY NEWSFLASH...

Bible-Belt residents and Bible-Thumpers the world over will be pleased to learn that lollygagging among the spiritually-inclined sexes is alive and well in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Things are looking up in the southern U.S., in spite of soaring fuel prices, a plummeting dollar, and too many witches out on Halloween this year.

According to Stephanie Simon of "The Charlotte (N.C.) Observer", life is pretty good there, after all, "men lead and women do laundry", (a common expression heard on the lush green campus of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary).

Apparently the students all agree that "God values men and women equally. ...It's just that he's given them different responsibilities: Men make decisions; women make dinner."

The internationally renowned Christian college has introduced classes in homemaking (open to co-eds only), which has proved infinitely more popular than the previous course on "History of Burnings at the Stake", (just kidding).

Domestic gods and gourmet goddesses will be keen to know that there will be lectures on the finer points of laundering stubborn stains and a lab session on baking chocolate-chip cookies, (without upsetting the Cookie Monster no doubt). Next year, the institution will be providing a model house to assist female students gain BA credits by learning how to set tables, sew on buttons, and sustain lively dinner-time conversation. This may come in handy for entertaining dimwits, dolts and dweebs not to mention other delightful dinner guests in the Whitehouse.

Note: Lollygaggers and leisure-lovers who are not into "heavenly home-making" might be well advised to tune into TV star and author, Nigella Lawson, the much touted British-made, gastro-porn Queen for helpful hints on how to make tasty tidbits for titillating encounters, (not covered in the seminary curriculum)!

CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE - Fall Calendar 2007

THE CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE - Fall Calendar 2007

This being "The Year of the Pig" according to Chinese astrologers, we have a number of courses that will leave you tickled pink or make you go 'oink', 'oink' if you're so inclined.

Here's a sneek peek at what's in store for those who're bored stiff with life in the barnyard:

BLOGGING FOR BEGINNERS (BFB-101)
-- One hour session (with four times and days to choose from).
-- Content: Give your creative genes a chance to come out and play! Sign up for a brief introduction to online writing tools, photos, portfolio and resume preparation. Small class size maximum 5 participants. Computers provided, you provide your own fingers!)
-- Cost: $10.00
-- Monday, September 17 - 10:00 am - 11:00 am, 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm
-- Wednesday, September 19 - 10:00 am - 11:00 am, 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm
-- Place: T.B.A., Victoria, BC
-- Registration & Information: contrarian[at]shaw.ca

LENSES FOR LOLLYGAGGERS (LFL-101)
-- Two hour session (with four times and days to choose from).
-- Content: Tickle your funnybone or shamelessly promote yourself using a computer! Introduction to simple ways to make mini-blogs that may make you moolah. Small class size, maximum 5 participants. Computers provided, you provide your own fingers!)
-- Cost: $20.00
-- Tuesday, September, 18 - 10:00 - 12:00 noon, 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
-- Thursday, September 20 - 10:00 - 12:00 noon, 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
-- Place: T.B.A. Victoria, BC
-- Registration & Information: email: contrarian[at]shaw.ca /

TRY OUT TIDDLYWINKS (TOT-101)
-- One hour introductory session over a warm cup of coffee, tea and a boffo bun!
-- Cost: $5.00
-- 10:00 am, Friday, September 21
-- Place: T.B.A., Victoria, BC
-- Registration & Information: email: contrarian[at]shaw.ca

TIME TO PLAY ON PLANET PERPLEX

Or, how to have a virtually good time!

By Theolonius McTavish, a perplexing person who adores enigmatic ephemera and why not!

A funny thing happened on the way to the zoo, or maybe it was the dentist office ...both of which fighten me.

To make a short story long and shaggy just to drive my friends and family a tad insane, I discovered a wonderful website called Planet Perplex (situated somewhere in the universe of unfathonable and what some have dubbed undeniably useless undertakings).

More organized than the "Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor", less intoxicating than the "seas of Santraginus V, where the fish never seem to care whatever the heck kind of direction they swim in" but certainly part of what is technically known as the "WSOGM, or Whole Sort of General Mish Mash".

This odd little body floating around in the ethernet of eccentricites offers a great deal of latitude for loafers. For artsy-fartsy lollygaggers there's all manner things to keep their nerves firing on all cylanders like optical illusions, ambiguous arrangements, impossible images, pesky puzzles, subliminal sensations, not to mention ambigrams for the addlepated.

Frankly, there's never a dull moment in the life of the idle-fingered folk. All we really need to know is that the universe is a lot more complicated than the average air-head, lip-glossed lollygaggers, or the been-there-done-thats might think!

___________

For those who want to know more about hapless happenings in the universe, pick up a copy of Douglas Adams' "fifth book in the increasingly inaccurately named Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy", a rather fine audio rendition of Mostly Harmless.

Thumbnail photo of an optical 3-D illusion by well-known British chalk-artist, Julian Beever.

DASHING DOODLERS WANTED!

Or, slackers please step up and submit your sketches to "The Shapetionary"!

Contributed by: The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity, need you ask more.

2007 is destined to be a dandy year...especially if you're a golden pig (according to Chinese astrology).

For those who do not fall into the category of swish swine, perhaps you would care to try your hand at doodling, drawing, or the next best thing, pencil pushing.

It seems that the folks in "God's Country" (Ontario), and Toronto (hogtown) in particular, are seeking contributions from the hoi polloi to a unique project entitled, The Shapetionary".

Those who are intimidated by the thought of connecting the dots, painting by numbers, or technical rendering will be relieved to know, these skills are not required. Bashful book worms are encouraged to consider coming out of the closet with a drawing instrument in hand. Ability to read and comprehend the meaning of random nouns in the English language would be an asset, as each "artiste", (and 1,200 - 1,500 are needed), will be asked to illustrate one word.

Those interested in contributing to this anatomically-correct art project being organized by Toronto artist Mary Flood of Terminus 1525 online studio, please email velvetbicycle@hotmail.com and you will be sent a short list of words to graphically grind out (along with complete instructions).

Good luck all you grammarian-impaired and graphically-challenged gurus!

SLACKER SABBATICALS

Or, why the world of work needs a new lease on life

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Dean of Do-Nothing at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Great Snoring (Norfolk).





Rather than expend oodles of energy running around in little circles every day or entering competitive corporate rat race challenges, the world would be better off if workers had the opportunity to perambulate, putter or piddle about as they pleased.

The author of the book "Workers of the World RELAX" certainly has the right idea! Sack all your stuff and maybe take a "Slacker Sabbatical" while you're at it.

Rather than whimpering or whining about all the work that's piling up on your desk, you might want to consider taking a road less-travelled. Why not Take Back Your Time by reclaiming dinnertime!

JUST DO NOTHING!

Or, how to change your life by doing absolutely zip, zilch or zero!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, former Dean of Do-This-Do-That at the University of Useless Undertakings, and now part-time Professor of Glee & Whee at the Creative Loafing Institute where he spends most of his time dabbling, dawdling, or dangling modifers.

Many of my former students who have joined the ranks of the rat race have prevailed upon me for some glib guidance as to how to achieve success and smell the roses at the same time --without wasting too much precious brain energy, including having to remember when to water a chia pet.

Thankfully there is an answer in the form of a tiny titillating tome by Karen Salmansohn, aptly titled, "How to Change Your Entire Life By Doing Absolutely Nothing - 10 D0-Nothing relaxation Exercises to Calm You Down Quickly So You Can Speed Forward Faster".

Worrywarts the world over will be pleased to hear that relief comes by clearing away clutter from the cortex. This means doing absolutely nothing. In fact, doing nothing about anything allows one to forget about fretting and fidgeting or figuring out what switches to switch, what levers to press, or heaven forbid, even what lovers to leave.

Rest assured dear readers, that you will also have the added benefit of knowing that none of the pages are numbered. This is a great relief to those who are bored with counting their chickens before they hatch or counting sheep to get them to sleep. All of which makes this iconic item a perfect self-help pocketbook for someone else's Little Loo Library.

So take a whee break and pick up a copy of this bodacious book of bunkum! And may the Force of Zip Be With You Ever More!!

OH BALDERDASH -- IT'S A BUNCH OF BALONEY!

Or, here's the whole ball of wax on balderdash

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle and Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery at the Creative Loafing Institute, where people who like to putter and play do so, just for the heck of it!

The Society of Sacred Cows & Flattering Fairytales has recently published an authoritative article on flamboyant food for thought entitled "What Would the World Be Without Big Cheeses, Big Tunas and Big Whoppers?"

With so much emphasis on "bigger is better", it is not surprising that skeptics see things quite differently. Not impressed with "size matters", be it lattes or legumes, their typical response to all the hullabaloo about a rare sighting of the humongous heffalump, is "balderdash".

All of which brings me to one interesting bit of titillating trivia, no less than 806,000 web pages devoted to "balderdash", (a word meaning any form of speech or writing considered to be nonsensical or trivial in nature).

It's a pity that "Balderdash" is a nifty-sounding noun of unknown origin, (although apparently it found favor with fiddle-faddle folk dating back to the early 16th century). Frankly, being an orphaned orthographic oddity, is probably not much fun, unless one considers just how many uses one can find for this word.

There's a board-game and a game-show by the same name, not to mention a BBC television series entitled "Balderdash & Piffle" highlighting all manner of hilarious hokum associated with hunting for the origin of a lost lexicon.

A sample of boffo books available on the scintillating subject of balderdash include:

-- Balderdash by Edward T. Hering
-- Balderdash! by Jerry Warshaw
-- Balderdash Ballads by J.R. Monsell
-- Balderdash Game by Tsr Staff
-- Boom, Cash & Balderdash - A Different Look at Fairbanks During Pipeline Construction by Jerry Fears
-- Mostly Balderdash by Don Harvey
-- Politics, Barbecues & Balderdash by John Cole
-- The Varieties of Balderdash by Neil Postman
-- Verities & Balderdash (Sheet Music Book) by Harry Chapin

And, it's quite amazing the number of books that have been called "all balderdash", "bottomed balderdash", "clinical balderdash", "critical balderdash", "dangerous balderdash", "full of balderdash", "generally balderdash", "moralistic balderdash", "'New Age' balderdash", "political balderdash", "pure balderdash", "ridiculous balderdash", "sheer balderdash", "sociable balderdash", "spheroids of balderdash", "unmitigated balderdash, "utter balderdash" not to mention "water faucet balderdash".

Now the only question left is, what's the difference between "balderdash" and baloney, a bill of goods, blather, bull, bunk, bunkum, codswallop, claptrap, drivel, flapdoodle, flimflam, flotsam and jetsom, gibberish, gobbledygook, hot air, hocus-pocus, hogwash, hokum, hooey, malarkey, mumbo-jumbo, piffle, poppycock, poppylarky, prattle, a snow job, trifle, tripe, and twaddle?

LIFE LESSON #142: BEWARE OF BABBLING BUFFOONS WHO WALK WITH BIG BOOKS UNDER THEIR ARMS.