CALORIE-COUNTING CREATIVE LOAFERS

Or, ever wondered how many calories one burns while sauntering, snoozing, or smacking one’s lips together for eight hours?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or lounging about in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)

Creative Loafers and their kindred spirits, also called “fit wits”, will be pleased to learn that calories can be burned off in many interesting ways.

As a matter of fact, there’s no need to lift weights, run one’s buns off, or swim 100 lengths of the pool every day. The good news is that practically anything one does such as catching a bit of shut-eye, twiddling one’s thumbs, or whistling a happy tune burns calories off.

For calorie-conscious creative loafers, here’s a list of activities guaranteed to expend a little energy if one feels inclined to impress one's family, friends or the folks next door.

• Riding a bicycle (built for one), going at a speed of 4 mph, will burn five calories per minute; if that’s too strenuous…try hopping on a tricycle or a unicycle!

• Standing at a slot machine for eight hours, trying to match those frigging little lemons, oranges and cherries all in a row without losing one’s sanity or burning a large hole in one’s pocket or purse will probably expend 1,402 calories before the day is over.

• Walking at a slow pace all day long, (less than 2mph), whether at work or simply puttering will burn off 1,219 calories, as will driving a car around for eight hours looking for a senior with short-term memory-loss or finding a fast-food franchise that serves low-carb cookies and lactose-free milk with one’s latte.

• Typing on a computer, decorating a festive Ho-Ho-Ho Tree, sitting at meetings and flapping one’s gums, or simply sitting on one’s tush and talking with clients for eight hours, will use up 914 calories.

• Sleeping for eight hours, (provided one is a mere 160 lbs. or so), will knock off 549 calories.

• Watching TV, responding to e-mails, or reading one’s favorite book will count for 50 calories... a rather arduous form of mental gymnastics just to lop off one pound of cellulite!

• And, for those vacuous vegetarians who can’t wait to get their hands on an 8-inch stalk of celery so their chompers and stomach acid can work their magic, they’ll be pleased to know that it requires more than six calories to digest this tasteless piece of stringy stuff.

The moral to this story of muscle musing is not to sweat the small stuff! And remember, “Life is a great big garden, so why not dig it…and forget all about that calorie-counting!”

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For those creative loafers who are really keen on counting calories ... take a peek at this site: http://www.bodybuilding.com/

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FALL FUN FARE

Calling all creative characters!

By Victoria Elizabeth, Grande Poohbesse of the Creative Living Institute, in beautiful downtown Victoria ... home to garden gnomes, giggling gadflies, and far too many Canada geese.

Another fall season of fun and frolic begins!

For those who don't give a sweet tweet about learning another foreign language (unless it's Pig Latin), mastering the latest version of computerized communication (unless it's full of empathetic emoticons ;-), or how to motivate a herd of happy-challenged heffalumps (unless there's a honey-pot and booby-hatch nearby), listen up!

Frankly it's time to toss the "to-do" list and find something infinitely more enjoyable than work, or anything that looks like heavy-duty thinking and doing.

So why not take a boisterous break from boredom or fruitless fretting for pity's sake! Kick up your heels and join a growing list of creative loafers who simply adore gadding about town and going nowhere in particular at break-neck speed. A leisurely pace is more like it!

Here are a few things to whet your appetite, satisfy your creative urges, and while away your time in a very pleasant way:

WANTED: BLABBERS & BLOGGERS to snack, sip & swap stories! 10:00 am, Sat. Sept. 30, Ogden Pt. Cafe (at the Breakwater - 199 Dallas Road.)

This group is open to all levels and types of electronic writing. It will meet-up monthly, (the last Saturday of each month at 10:00 am, at Ogden Point Cafe) to chew the fat, chase the blues away, and chortle about all manner of interesting things having to do with on-line journaling, writing etc.

Price of admission is a sip of something or a light snack -- whatever strikes your fancy and your budget.

Note: Keep your eyes peeled for "Dick Danger", (OPC Manager who is known to dash about thither and yon, without so much as a glow-in-the-dark hat or neon warning sign on his back)!

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MIRTH & MUNCH - Share your passions at a Creative Confab. 10:00 am, Mon. Sept. 25, Ogden Pt. Cafe (Breakwater).

Creatives including actors, artists, crafters, dancers, muscians, playwrights, photograhers, sculptors, writers and other performers are invited to share their passions and unique journey with like-minded people.

It his hoped that this weekly gathering of glee-gurus and glad-handers, taking place in such a positive atmosphere, will encourage support for one another as well as inspire new works of art to enhance the community.

Participants are invited to pick up their favorite beverage or perhaps some of those sumptuous snacks served at the Ogden Point Cafe. (Note: A big thank you goes out to the owners of the OPC who have consistently and generously supported Victoria's artistic community over the years, including the Feast of Fools last year!)

* * *

And do stay tuned for more Egads & Entertaining Events in 2006!

FEE FIGH FOE FUM FALL CLASSES

BRUTES & BOZOS BEWARE!

• Registration for UBER UNIVERSITEASE courses must be completed by Monday, September 11, 2006.
• The complexity and difficulty level of contents means that class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.
• All classes begin on Monday, September 18, 2006.

COURSE SYLLABUS AND TIMETABLE

Class 1: How To Fill Up Ice Cube Trays.
--- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday & Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
--- Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 noon for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
--- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 a.m. for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.
--- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 p.m. for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
--- Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 6: Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote Control Device To Your Significant Other.
--- Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 p.m.

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
--- Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
--- Graphics and Audio Tapes.Three nights - Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
--- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 p.m.; location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
--- Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother & Wife.
--- Online Classes and Role-playing. Tuesday at 7:00 p.m., location to be determined.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
--- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation & Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours, beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
--- Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What It Is? How It Is Used?
--- Live Demonstration.Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 15: A Word About Air Freshners - It May Be Fun to Fart Around At Work Without Any Consequences, But At Home It's Another Matter --- Theory Session, field trip to the local supermarket to select cost-effective, environmentally-friendly fragrances and practical demonstration on their use in confined spaces. Thursday at 7:00 p.m.

NOTES

1. POTENTIAL PARTICIPANTS: Upon completion of any of the above accredited courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

2. All courses offered by the fully-accredited Uber Universitease come with self-centered, self-help audio and video tapes or high-definition dude DVDs for the patriarchically-challenged or self-described "non-people persons".

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Contributed by a cackling Creative Loafer named Renie, (a retired university Professor of English now residing in Victoria, British Columbia).